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How to instill confidence in children?
LESSONS ON VIRTUES
What parents should not do:
There is no set formula on how to raise children. Each child is different.
Each child is unique, so Parent’s relationships with their children are
unique. There are things which are counter productive when talking with a
child. It is question of what parents should not do under any condition.
If we want to bring up the child with a good understanding of moral values
and a good discipline, we, must first develop the child’s consciousness, to
do it’s best in the task to generate in the child’s mind the positive image
of his/her self. And we must avoid anything that can destroy this positive
Unfortunately, out of ignorance, anger, annoyance, irritation and sometimes
desperation parents use lawful methods in raising their children.
As we remember the commandment “Thou shall not sin” so too we should remember
to avoid using any of the following methods:
DO NOT MAKE NEGATIVE COMMENTS TO HUMILIATE THE
Sometimes we question the child: “How this idea did come to your mind? Can
you do anything better?
Do you have a head on your shoulders etc? Every time we make a negative
comment to the child we erode his/her confidence.
DO NOT THREATEN
Sometimes we say: “If you do this again – you will receive from me!” Or “if
you kick your little brother, I will kick you too!” Each time when we
threaten the child, we, without realizing,
teaching him to become afraid of us or even hate us. Threats are absolutely
useless – they do not improve the behavior of the child.
DO NOT EXTORT PROMISES
The sequence of such actions at times happens to be like this: the child has
done something what he was not supposed to do. Imagine, mum tells him: ”
Please, promise me now, that you will never do it again.” In response she,
certainly, receives the promise. And half an hour later the child will repeat
the same action. Mum is offended and upset:
“You have promised! Why did you do it then? Why?”
But she does not know that a promise means nothing to a small child. The
promise, as well as the threat, is more relevant in the future. But the child
lives only in the present. If he is sensitive and conscientious, exhortation
of promises will develop in the child the own fault syndrome each time he/she
breaks the promise. If he is not sensitive, it will teach him cynicism:
when the words and reality differs from each other.
DO NOT SPONSOR UNDULY (excessively)
It belittles the child in his own eyes. Excessive trusteeship gives him the
idea, that he cannot do anything. Many parents underestimate the ability of
the child to do something independently. It is necessary to accept as the
motto: “Never do for the child what he can do for himself “.
DO NOT SPEAK TOO MUCH .
Unduly long explanations mean to the child: “You are not capable of
understanding simple things,
so listen, I shall explain to you”.
DO NOT DEMAND IMMEDIATE OBEDIENCE
Imagine your husband tells you: “Dear, leave everything and prepare for me a
cup of coffee this!” Would you like this demand? In the same way it is not
pleasant to your child for anyone
to demand things from him. We, at least, should give him in advance notice; ”
In ten-fifteen minutes we are having dinner together” We expect him to
protect a little: “Oh, mums, I’m still.
Playing!” Unconditional submission is appropriate for a puppet, but it does
not help in creation of an independent mind.
DO NOT PAMPER THE CHILD
In this case it is a question of permissiveness. The child will feel that the
parents are afraid to be firm in observance of borders, that they are afraid
to say “no”. It instills confidence in the child, that all rules are not firm
(a rubber-kind) – they will stretch just under a little of
pressure. It can work within the home, but outside of the home bitter
disappointments await such a child. To indulge the child, you deprive him the
opportunity to grow into a person who can
adapt in any situation.
BE CONSISTENT IN YOUR RULES
For example, On Saturday mum is in a good mood and thus allows her child to
break all rules (or some of the rules). But on Monday when the child does the
same thing, she “leans on him, like a
ton of bricks (i.e. she reprimand, scorn etc).” Imagine yourself in the place
of this child. How well would you learn to drive a car, if on Monday, Tuesday
and. Thursday red light means ”
stop”, and on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday – means “go”? Consistency is
necessary for the child. He should know what he should expect. Confusion in
following the rules (allow this one
day and forbid the same on another day) does not promote good discipline, on
the contrary it confuses the child and he won’t know what to expect from his
parents next time.
DO NOT MORALIZE
It instills a feeling of fault in the child and helps to develop a negative
self-image. All of morals finally are reduced to one for the child: What you
have done is bad. You are bad because
you did this. How could you do such a bad thing after doing so many good ones?
Reprimanding and critisizing children on a regular basis decreases the child’
s self worth. If one were to tape all the criticism on a recorder and then
play it back
to the parents, they would be amazed. There are so many inappropriate words
and methods they use in speaking with the children! They will hear the
threats, sneers, constant grumbling, and certainly, moral lectures.
Scientifically it is proven, that under such ‘strain’ the child becomes ‘
disconnected’ (doesn’t pay attention anymore). It is his unique way of
defense which he quickly masters. Certainly, the child cannot
be disconnected completely and eventually feels guilty.
DO NOT DEMAND THINGS THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE FOR THE AGE OF THE CHILD
Do not expect a two-year-old child to obey the same like a five year old.
This instill in the child, feelings of hostility toward you. You demand from
him mature behavior which he is not capable of understanding. This will badly
affect the development of his